09/12/2010

Reverse Cowgirl

Lee Davy

Cowgirls
Cowgirls

Quote – A measure of a man s what he does with his power – Plato

Each morning when I wake up I go through the same routine. I have a pee, a poo, blow my nose, brush my teeth, gargle with Listerine, spray my armpits with deodorant, spray some aftershave, wash and style my hair and then walk into my son’s playroom to get some socks and underpants.

I open the door and right in front of me are the drawers that contain my pants and socks. As I stand at the door staring at my drawers there is a great big television to the left and then a window with a view to the Bus Stop across the road. The blinds are always open but the great big television obscures my modesty so I just walk naked straight to the drawers.

This morning I open the drawer containing my pants and look out of the window. The school kids are in the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive. A girl catches my eye and I instinctively duck. It is only after I duck that I realise that I have done nothing wrong, what did I duck for? I then realise that by ducking I have given her the impression that I had a reason to duck. Young naked man observing young school children in a bus stop, quite innocent I know.

So here I am - crouched down by my drawers, pants in my hand and cock flowing in the breeze. I peer around the side of my son’s television and I am aghast to see that all of the school children have gathered together and are pointing at my window. Fuck!

If I stand up then they are going to think that I was spying on them. Maybe the best thing is to just crawl out and hope they didn’t see me? But I know she saw me.

“What the fuck do you think you're doing? Says I voice behind me.

I turn around and Debbie walks into the bedroom. She looks at me and then out of the window to the gaggle of young school children all looking back at her.

Now that is what I call an uncomfortable position!

When I first started playing poker online I distinctly remember open raising indiscriminately from UTG when playing Sit n Go’s and MTT. I knew nothing about poker and just thought it was a simple game based on the value of your cards alone. Under the Gun was a gangster expression and the button was an implement that kept your cock in your pants. What made matters worse for me was every time I opened UTG and was called I would just fire again and everyone would fold. For months this is how I played. UTG was the best position to play from in poker and no one would ever be able to tell me any different.

After playing live cash games in my local Tuesday night home game I decided to play 6 max cash games online. I remember playing my first session before going over to the pub for my live game. I told the lads that I felt as if I had been physically battered. I had lost buy in after buy in. Each and every hand I played turned into a massacre. Most of the hands that I lost were played out of position.

As my knowledge of the game increased as did my awareness of position. It always amazes me when I play cash games in my Tuesday night home game that none of them care about the seating arrangements. If I wanted to change seats so I had the nutters to my right and the gay boys to my left I would just ask the person in that seat to move and they would. The boys in the Valleys are so polite.

Position is Power!

The American author and poet Alice Walker said.

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.

This is why the lads in the Tuesday night home game give up their seats so easily. They don’t realise the power of position. Seating position is chosen for a variety of different reasons. Eddies Dad Steve likes to sit in a particular seat so he has easy access to handle the chips for the rebuys. Bobby Eggs likes to sit next to Eddies Dad Steve because he likes to show him his cards. Bobby Eggs and Eddies Dad Steve are the poker tag team champions of the world! Neil Farm likes to sit next to Skit because they both drink together, Terry Welsh needs to sit near the door so he can exit easily if he has to sell some green paint and Louie sits next to Terry Welsh because he can steal his chips easier. If you were to ask any of them to explain the importance of seating they would say there was one Golden rule. Don’t be sat next to John “The Mouth” Winch!

Steve “The Rock” John and Andrew “Too Nice “ Bayliss have started spending more and more time down the casino playing in the cash games. This has not been good news for me because they have started to understand the importance of position as well. Tuesday nights has turned into poker’s version of musical chairs.

Last Tuesday night I moved seats so I could have position on Terry “The Run” Welsh.

“Why do you keep moving seats Ching?” he asked.

“This is my favourite position Terry. Right in front of the TV.” I told him.

“My favourite position is the Reverse Cowboy position!” Terry said.

“Don’t you mean Cowgirl?” Neil laughed.

The following evening Jude was staying at his friend’s house and Debbie’s parents were coming around to watch a movie, I had bought Avatar. We had a few hours to kill so we decided to have a bit of “how’s your father”. I was telling Debbie that Terry Welsh’s favourite position was the reverse Cowboy position. She pulled out a copy of More magazine and turned the page to “The position of the week”. It was the Reverse Cowgirl position. I ripped it out to show Terry.

“Hang on why don’t we try it?” said Debbie.

I looked at the page and there was a photo of Ken and Barbie in a sexual position. It said.

“The first session should last 30 minutes and then when ready you should climax together!”

30 minutes!

Climax together!

You can tell women write this stuff.

“I can’t get the image of Terry doing it with his wife out of my head love.” I said hopefully avoiding the inevitable failed attempt I would make.

“Why don’t we just put a porn movie on instead to get us into the mood?” I said.

Later that evening Debbie’s parents had arrived and I was in the kitchen getting the crisps and drinks.

I walked back into the room and settled down in between my In Laws. Debbie was lying on the floor.

“You will love this film!” I tell them before pressing play on the remote.

“Is that the reverse Cowgirl position?” Asked Debbie’s Dad!

Now that is what I call an uncomfortable position!

This article first appeared in BLUFF Europe Magazine

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