3 years on, and the return of Boiler and the Dominator

[ReggieK]

Eeeee awight?

Yesterday morning I got a toot on the old Trombone, I looked at the caller ID "Ben"
I grinned and pressed the green button and sung "These girls fall like Dominoes, like Dominoes"
I heard a hearty laugh and Ben say "Eeeee oi oi Reggie bud, hows it hanging mate?"
I grinned and said "On da left pal, on da left"
He chuckled and said "Bloody Tuesday mate, what you doing tonight?"
I said "Not a lot pal, I was thinking of a scout out down Felix to play some fruities but with this shit weather forecast I'm thinking closer to home"
He said "Always a bad card night mate, any games going on you know of?"
I said "Well you know the village I used to live in? I heard from Limpy Les that the boozer there is doing games again on a Tuesday"
Ben said "Give em a bell mate and text me back if they got a game, if so I'll get Andrew to drive me over"
I laughed and said "Ok mate, well it's getting on for 11 now so they'll be open, why don't I go and nip in for a jar or 3 and ask?"
He said "Good idea mate, see if there's any skirt too behind the bar eh"
I grinned and said "Will text ya soon pal"

I put the phone down and lit a Benson, and thought a pint of Stella would keep the doctor away, so I put on my black trenchcoat and trilby and went outside and jumped in the motor
Within 8 minutes I was drawing up in the car park, I flicked my 10th Benson of the day out the window, the wind caught it and it showered sparks over the bonnet of a BMW 62 plate
His window rolled down and a bald bloke of about 60 shouted out "What the fack are you doin' mate?"
I got out the car and bent down to eye level with him and said "Shut your window, shut your mouth or you'll be eating hospital food til next year pal"
He went pale and his window quickly shut
I grinned and tapped the top of his motor and swaggered to the entrance of the boozer

11am on a Tuesday weekday ain't the busiest time for a village boozer, so I wasn't surprised to see the only customer was Suffolk Sid, a 80 year ex pilot who has a bird of a half his age
I shouted out "Fack me Sid, must have been 2 years mate"
He looked up and grinned and shook my hand "Reggie, nice to see you boy, what you having?"
I said "You're a gentleman and a scholar Sid, I will have a pint of the finest Stella this side of Sudbury"
The barmaid appeared from out back, a tall blonde aged about 21, with a leopard print pair of leggings, huge hooped earrings and purple stacked shoes
I said "Well hello pet, you worked here long?"
She said "About a month", pronounced "Abaart a munv"
I grinned and gave her a wink and said "Well Sids buying me a Stella, and I shall buy you a drink of your choosing"
She smiled and said she'd have a Smirnoff Ice
Sid handed her a fiver for the Stella, she gave him 50p in change, and I gave her a fiver for her Smirnoff Ice and got 60p in change
I shook my head and said "I can see why everyone buys their swallie out of Tesco nowadays but in supermarkets we don't buy it off bits of stuff like you pet"
She blushed and I took my pint over to the fruity
It was a DOND Cops n Robbers, I've played these loads so I knew how they play from the first quid.
I slung a fiver in the notey and changed to 50p play, first board came on 7th press, and cash stack got to £4 before I hit the ?, I sighed and hit the DOB (Deal or bust) button.
I landed on standard DOND which was surprising, I decided to go all the way and the last 2 boxes were 10p and £35
A crappy offer of £13.91 was rejected and I grinned as the £35 was in the box
So a nice £30 raise there for 2 minutes work, I collected that out and went to the bar
Sid was there reading the Sun and ogling Page 3, he grinned as I walked over
"She got a nice pair Sid, now what you having?"
He said "I'll have a pint of Speckled Hen Reg, they only had it on tap a week"
I said "I'll join you mate, I'm partial to a drop of that"
No sign of the barmaid so I shouted out "Oi oi oi love"
She appeared and blushed as she saw what Sid was reading
I said "You'd make a good page 3 girl love, whats yer name?"
"Angel" she said
I laughed and said "I can see the caption now, Angel 21 from Essex with her cracking baps for all to see"
She grinned and went to pour us our pair of pints

Half hour later I was supping my 5th pint, and thought I'd have a bite to eat, so I ordered up scampi and chips for £7.95, and another Stella to go with it
At the stroke of 12 Angel came over and gave me my dinner, I grinned and made sure I looked down her top as she set the big plate in front of me
I asked her if she was working tonight, and if she had 2 mates she could have come in.
She thought and said "I think so Reg"
I gave her a wink and said "Ok pet, well me and my 2 buds will be in at 7"
I then remembered the point of me going to the pub and checked that poker was on, she said they start around 8 which was perfect
I quickly ate my scampi and chips, sunk my Stella in one and went over and shook Sids hand
I went outside and lit up a Dooby and went home for an afternoon nap

So, at 630 last night I decide to go to the pub early
I was soon dressed in my blacker than black jeans, Blue Ralph Lauren shirt with the little horse on prominent display, my new red silk cravat, and the two trusty t's- trenchcoat and trilby

I lit up a dooby and jumped in the motor again, and was in the car park at 640
A fair few in the pub, 3 blokes up the bar all in business suits, a few old boys playing dominoes in the little room down the steps, and 2 girls sitting looking nervous on a table near the quizzer
Angels behind the bar, I lift my trilby and say "Evening love, I'll have a Stella, and whatever you're having again"
She blushed and said "I'll have an Archers and lemonade please Reg, and over there is Sharon and Sam my 2 mates"
I look and see the girls looking my way, I wave and waggle my hips backwards and forwards in their direction, letting out a huge laugh as I do so

As I'm sipping my pint I feel a draught from the door behind me and a voice shouting out "The boys are here, the boys are here, shag your women and drink your beer"
I laugh and turn around and in walk Andrew and Ben
I shake hands with both and say "What you having boys?"
Ben shouts out "Eeee I'll have her behind the bar first then I'll have a Stella"
I high five him and say "Angels mine mate, but take your pick from the 2 over near the quizzer"
He looks over and says "I want the blondy one with the white skirt"
Andrews eyes bulge and he says "Wow, I want that redheaded little piece"
I say "Go get em boys, I'll bring over the pints"
I grab 3 Stellas off Angel, she told me she was knocking off at 11 and I said "Ok love, I'll be knocking on you at 11.01"
She laughed and teared me off a packet of Big D dry roasted from the card, free of charge
Andrew and Ben were well in, I walk over and say "Oi oi girls, you playing cards tonight?"
They shake their heads and I say "Ok girls, but my mates here will be taking you home tonight ok?"
They giggle and sip their cheeky Vimtos quickly

After an hour the pub is getting packed, we've done 2 rounds each so 6 pints down the hatch and are waiting for cards to start
I go up the bar and see a familiar figure there swaying back and forth, its Boiler!
I double take and say "Remember me Boiler?"
He looks at me bleary eyed and says "Do I fack? I don't remember last night"
I laugh and tell Angel to get him another pint

Anyway, Landlord Mikes voice comes over the speakers "All card players please come to the bar, it's a £20 game tonight with one rebuy or add on until the first break. 9pm is the break so you have one hour"
I say to Ben and Andrew "Lets go boys"
They snog their girls and we go up the bar and pay our £20 fees.
Looks like 16 players, so 2 pub tables draped with green cloth are spotted in the back room, with a pile of Argos chips in the middle

We draw numbered 2p pieces from a cloth bag, numbers 1-8 is on the table near the womens bogs, numbers 9-16 is on the table near the window
I get number 3, Andrew gets number 10, Ben gets number 12
So I go over and take my seat
In a few minutes other players come over, there's a bloke in a suit called Tom, Landlord Mike himself, a fella called Drakey, a woman of about 70 called Hilda, 2 young lads and Boiler sits opposite me
I stifle a laugh, and sup up my Stella

We start with 100 chips, blinds 1/2.
Blinds go up when one person goes out on the table
I said "What about the other table?"
Mike looks confused and says "What do you mean?"
I say "We could all be on different blinds"
He says "Don't worry about it mate"
I shake my head and look at my first hand 88
I'm in the bb, there's a raise to 4 from the UTG player, which is called by everyone.
I decide to call and see the flop
It comes AQ9
SB checks, I check, the utg player says "44", he gets 3 callers, I fold quickly
Turn is a 4. Utg bloke goes all in and is quickly called by Boiler
They turn them over, Utg has AQ, Boiler has 44 for the turned set
River is a blank 2 and we have a rebuy
I say to Boiler "Nice flop call"
He says "Don't know what you mean but thanks"

In 20 minutes we are still all at 1/2 blinds, this is mental I think, but I quickly like it when I get KK and raise to 18, as I thought I got a caller in Boiler and Landlord Mike
Flop comes 259, I bet 40 and they both call
Turn comes another 2, I go all in for 32 more, Mike folds and Boiler calls
I show my KK and Boiler shows A7
River comes a 7 and Boiler jumps up and shouts "I win I win"
I remain seating and say "Does a pair of sevens beat kings now?"
He turns red and I say "Sit down dickhead"
Everyone laughs and Boiler turns puce with rage

Nothing much happens until 9pm, I have 240 chips and decide against the add on as this will do, and besides, that other £20 will get 4 pints
Boiler of course has other ideas, as Mike calls break Boiler shouts "Heres my rebuy Mike, give me the Dominator"
I grin as Mike hands Boiler the white 100 chip
Break lasts 15 minutes, so we nip out for a Benson and a slash round the back of the pub in the play area
We finish up and go back inside and I order 6 Stellas from Angel to keep us going, I ask her if shes ok and go to snog her as she leans in to hear me above the noise
Ben and Andrew by this stage are already touching up Sam and Sharon, I can see Andrews got a double handfull and Ben had his hands round his sorts neck

Anyway, we go back as Mike calls us in
I sit down and second hand I get dealt AA
Blinds at our table were 2/4 as one of the young lads busted before the break
I said "Raise, make it 28"
I knew I'd get a caller, and sure enough Boiler is calling me
We both have around the same amount of chips so this hand is the one I want to break him on
Flop comes A83
Lovely lovely, Boiler immediately bets out about 100 chips, leaving himself the Dominator back
I say "Wow Boiler, a big bet you must have a big hand, but I'll call and keep you honest"
He grimaces and the turn comes another 3
Boiler stands up and shouts "Right you idiot I'm betting the Dominator"
I quickly call and turn over my full house, he turns over K8
River comes a black 9 and he's out
I laugh and say "Thanks Boiler, you can go now you ponce"
His face turns black and he lunges at me, I sidestep and push him towards the bar, he stumbles but regains his balance and instantly orders up a Guinness from Angel

Blinds are now 4/8 on our table, on the other I see they're 16/32
This is mental and before long there's 8 of us left
We redraw and after Andrew and me telling Mike, he puts the blinds at 8/16 for us all
Us 3 are still in, along with Landlord Mike, Hilda, a bloke called Bryan who's hammered, and 2 young lads from Andrew and Bens table

We sit down and I'm in the BB again straight away
I sigh and look at my cards, AK
Hmm, one of the young lads raises to 48, Hilda calls and its on me
I have about 500 chips by now, so I say "All in"
The lad thinks and folds, but Hilda puts her last 150 in and calls and shows 33
A race then, board of 2998 then a K on the river, nice and I scoop Hildas chips
I say "Unlucky love, still its pension day soon", Andrew laughs and Hilda slowly walks off mumbling
I'm chip leader now, but the next 3 hands sees that change
I have AQ in the sb and call one of the young lads shoves
He'd put 130 in the pot, and he rolled over KJ
Board came J high
Next hand I raise on the button to 80 with 10s
The BB was Mike and he called.
Flop was 884, Mike goes all in for 230 more
I call and Mike sheepishly rolls over AJ
Turn was an A, river a 3
So now I'm short stack
Next hand there's a raise from one of the young lads, I look down at AQ again and go all in
He calls with 88 and wins
So that's me out but Ben and Andrew still in
Blinds now 32/64
Soon there's a 3 way all in, an open shove from Ben, a call from Mike and a shove from one of the young lads
Ben JJ, Mike AK, young lad KQ
Bens JJ held so he's huge chip leader and within half hour its all over
Ben wins and Andrew second
The money was totted up, and Mike said " There was 7 rebuys or add ons so £240 winner, second gets £140, third gets £60, fourth gets £20"
So Ben and Andrew put the £380 onto one of the tables, I take £100 and they get £140 each
We shake hands and go over to the bar
Angel is sitting on a stool, her stacked purple shoes on the rails and her Smirnoff ice in one hand
I grab her round her neck and say "Give me 10 petal, I gotta have a piss and a Benson"
I wink and Ben and Andrew as they go see Sam and Sharon, and I go outside and light up
I go over to a new Merc and take a slash all up the front door, managing to give the door handle a good soaking, that slag who drives that will get a soggy surprise I think
I flick my Benson onto his boot lid for good measure and go back into the pub

Inside Ben and Andrew are snogging Sam and Sharon, I wipe my hands on some blokes jacket hanging up on the coatrail and go see Angel
I tell her I'll take her out this weekend, we'll go to Southend for the night, clubbing, then get a nice hotel on the front
She's well up for it, so I give her a snog and Andrew and Ben come over, having got their birds numbers
We bump fists and head outside
We all light up a dooby and stand there thinking, Ben says "We are the Essex cowboys mate"
I laugh and we start singing loudly "Essex Cowboys, winning money off people we hardly know"
So we shake hands again and walk to our motors
Andrew jumps in his Fiesta XR2 and starts her up, his cherry bomb exhaust waking all the neighbours
I laugh and crank up some 808 State and we tear up the road at 90, I overtake and shoot up the lane to my gaff, and soon enought I'm sitting in my chair with a cold tin of Kroney in one hand, a dooby in the other, and 4 scotch eggs on a plate in front of me
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The coalition is waning and dying, the only option is to vote Labour in 2015~ Teacher Dave

[stowjon]

pics or angel aint real!
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"There's not enough hippies to save our lives, We need more hippies"

[ReggieK]

Oh my days, she's real alright mate, I'll grab some pics down Southend
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The coalition is waning and dying, the only option is to vote Labour in 2015~ Teacher Dave