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pete thebet
Trips


Joined: 18 Aug 2006
Posts: 108
Location: TPT

PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 4:43 pm
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Clint
Clint who?
Burt Lancaster
pete thebet
Trips


Joined: 18 Aug 2006
Posts: 108
Location: TPT

PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:08 pm
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I was sucking off my new thai bride on our wedding night and I thought...hang on a minute...
madride
Straight Flush


Joined: 29 Jan 2006
Posts: 2990
Location: Glasgow

PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 6:21 pm
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I had an argument with my girlfriend last night when she said I was going through an immature period. I just laughed when she said period
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Nil Satis Nisi Optimum
CaptainGee
Flush


Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 503
Location: Whitton Dene

PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 9:54 pm
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Interesting Human Body Facts

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate; they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man

You looked at your thumb . . . . Didn't you?
TheBlueBoy
Straight Flush


Joined: 11 Oct 2009
Posts: 3945
Location: Just about done

PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 10:14 pm
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A woman doing a survey asked me what grooming products I use, should have seen her face when I said haribo and high school musical.
tjm8
Straight Flush


Joined: 09 Apr 2010
Posts: 2562
Location: Cheshire

PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 10:18 pm
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I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.


How does every racist joke start? By looking over your shoulder!


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
AAAsh
Two Pair


Joined: 16 Nov 2009
Posts: 65
Location: London

PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 10:35 pm
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Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape..
RobSamples
Quads


Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1963

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 8:37 am
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Dave Devilfish Ulliott wrote:
You lot probably think these books grow on trees!

I read the lot and none of them, not one, made me laugh, and I'm a funny &%$* so I should know. I'd rather burn the books that give them for one of these entries but I'm a nice bloke so I'll give you another chance.

One liners, give me a one liner that makes me laugh and you'll get a book and I don't care how filthy they are!

The Fish


No. In fact I'll tell you what. YOU come up with a f*cking caption for that photo and I'll BUY a copy of your book.

I mean look at it for christ's sake.



just look at it



Was someone asleep at the back of class on the day they did how to select a photo for a caption competition? Photos in caption competitions usually have something humorous or odd in them in the first place, something that people can actually focus on to come up with a caption. This is just a picture of two old blokes stood next to a f*cking piano. This isn't 'ooh let's all name the holiday snaps off my digital camera'.

I tell you what, you come around here once in a blue moon with your bloody autobiography and expect us all to just dance like monkeys for your approval? Well sod that Mr Ulliot, I aint no fish's monkey, I aint nobodies monkey. You can stick your completely unamusing photo and your book (either burnt or intact) where the sun doesn't shine (hull).

I mean look at it.



Sure you can try and talk your way out of it and say you didn't pick the photo but that doesn't excuse it. You are an accessory to shit caption competition if not an instigator. So come on then. Let's have your captions. Let's see what a funny man you are. You've obviously got a sense of humour, just look at that f*cking jacket.

I respected you, looked up to you even. It was your ugly mug glaring back at me through my TV screen that got me into this stupid game. I remember one time when you went all in pre-flop on late night poker with 45o and then flopped a full house. Do you have any idea how much f*cking money I lost playing 45o after that? I'll tell you how much 6.52.

Sure, I'm just another one of those guys off the internet to you. F*ck em, f*ck all those internet saddos and their stupid lives. I don't even want a copy of your book anyway, why the f*ck would I want to read a book? I have all the information I will ever need. Life is shit, people are c*nts. What more is a f*cking book going to add to that? Nothing, that's what. It's just going to add more detail to how life is shit or how c*nty people are.

Yet despite all that I still summon up the will, the intestinal fortitude to drag my carcass out of bed every day and put myself through another 24 hours of unmittigated shite with just the faint hope that maybe during the course of the day, something will come along to make me forget, if even for a brief moment, how shit everything is. Something like a caption competition, but no, you can't even let me have that can you?

No, ooooh look at me. I'm the devilfish. I've got loads of money and a bracelet for playing poker and i'm so famous that people want to read about my life and I've got more children than times you've had sex and I can go outside wearing a stupid jacket like this without having people hurl bottles at me as I walk home past weatherspoons carrying my shit shopping which consists of bland, tasteless mush that only qualifies as being food due to the fact that consuming it stops me from dying.

and that's my f*cking caption.
RobSamples
Quads


Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1963

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 8:45 am
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well either that or

'dave and barny mind stevie wonder's piano while he goes to buy the devilfish another jacket'
Al Force
Straight


Joined: 20 Aug 2008
Posts: 285
Location: Norwich

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:41 am
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Barny takes his role as Devilfish's ghostwriter very seriously, even dressing like him.
Leus
Rigged


Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 1290

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:20 am
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Rob is 100% right about the photo I think, although I don't fully share his existential despair.

I rarely read celeb ghost-written autobiographies anyway, but I will also buy a copy if Mr Ulliot (who is funny as %^&*) comes up with a caption that makes me laugh. Dirty as you like.
pete thebet
Trips


Joined: 18 Aug 2006
Posts: 108
Location: TPT

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 2:08 pm
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today...it said on the packet 'Best before End'
pete thebet
Trips


Joined: 18 Aug 2006
Posts: 108
Location: TPT

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 2:14 pm
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Do you know anyone who wants a 42 inch plasma screen tv for 50 quid? The volume button doesn't work but for that price you can;t turn it down
arry grout
Straight


Joined: 30 Dec 2004
Posts: 394

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 4:42 pm
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3 lepers playing poker.1 threw his hand away and the other 2 laughed their heads off.
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'genial' Harry grout
ReggieK
The Guvnor


Joined: 16 Oct 2005
Posts: 5759

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 4:44 pm
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Barny: 'Dave, which hand do you wipe your arse with?'
Dave: 'My left'
Barny: 'You weirdo, why don't you use toilet paper like everyone else?'
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