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Roger Porter
Straight


Joined: 09 May 2010
Posts: 313
Location: secret

PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:35 pm
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It's been a while since I shared any of my funny stories so I decided I'd post this one.


I had decided to grab a bottle of wine on the way home from work and have a quiet night in. That was the plan anyway. Then the phone rang...

All right Rog, want to come the casino? I'll buy you in. I have a bottle of absinthe and a bottle of Pernod!

It was my old friend Ace. I explained to him I was going to have a mellow one. I'd just cracked open a bottle and was set for the evening. I wished him good luck at the tables and said goodbye.

About twenty minutes later I heard the sound of Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood getting louder and louder. There is only one person I know who drives about playing music from the eighties at full blast with their windows wound down full. It was Ace.

Once I let him in he was in full pester mode. He really wanted me to go to the casino. I explained to him numerous times that I wanted to chill and I had only just told him of my plans less than half an hour ago. But no, I must go to the casino, it will be great, I'm a decent player, he will buy me in, what have I got to lose, come to the casino, come to the casino, come to the casino!

That's when I smelt the booze on his breath.

Have you been drinking?

Yeah, look, and he pulled out a bottle of Pernod.

How much have you drank? And what do you think you're doing driving? Give me your keys! He handed them over reluctantly and asked me to come to the casino again.

What I had now was a dilemma. If I didn't go to the casino with him then he'd either turn up at my flat at a ridiculous time or begin to badger me for his keys back. It's probably becoming apparent to the reader that he is persistent in his pestering.

OK, I'll come to the casino provided you get the drinks in. Fair enough?

Yeah, yeah. You can get as many bottles of wine as you want, I'm cool, I have my Pernod.

You do realise that you can't walk in carrying a bottle of booze? You'll have to hide it

It's OK, they know me in there, it'll be cool.

I just tutted.

So are you ready then? The game starts in a bit, I want to get there soon as.

I'm drinking my wine first, just wait. Bloody hell mate I told you I didn't even want to go and now you're hassling me to hurry up?

You can drink it on the way, we'll look cool. Come on, I want to walk down. We might see some birds on the way there and we can ask them to come with us.


Yeah two blokes walking along the main road swigging bottles of ale always turns the ladies heads. Come on, lets just go.


As we got to the casino the security guard took Ace's bottle of Pernod from him and said he could have it back when he left. Now Ace was going to teach me how to act in a casino (to impress the ladies) with his carefully compiled series of affectations.

So, when I first walk in I do a little jump down the last two steps into the card room, it looks cool. Then I have a look around and stare at the people at the tables, it freaks them out, then I stand about for a bit like this, he then took up a strange little catalogue pose type thing. Apparently this was also cool. He suggested that I have a go at 'looking cool' and walk around with him staring at people and standing round in a weird stance. It then struck me that all Ace's actions were pure theatre. This looking cool business was just acting. I've done a bit of acting in my time so what the hell I thought, I'll give it a go and so I entered stage left.

I refused to do the jumping down the last two stairs move but I did follow him about as we went to give the other players glaring looks. Now staring at complete strangers who are all staring back at the stranger that's just walked into their card room is fairly tricky business. I didn't really want to stare into the wrong stranger's eye so I basically just looked at the tables. Although I imagine it's easier to pull it off if you have a pair of those big mirrored sunglasses similar to the ones Ace was wearing.

After all the posturing was over Ace went and got his chips. I decided that I didn't want to play and was content to sit down and relax and drink some wine. Pretty much what I'd planned to do originally so I was happy enough.

In the few hands he managed to play before getting knocked out he entertained the table with his drunken buffoonery and then un-entertained them by spilling his drink onto the table. We soon left.

Take us to the ladies, take us to where the ladies are, was the slurring mantra Ace repeated to the confused taxi driver as we drove along.

You want ladies? I don't know ladies. Please just tell me where to go.

I told him to take us to a dingy little night club that I knew was close by and ushered Ace from the cab. Once inside I immediately went over to the dance floor while I left Ace to get the drinks in. After a while I noticed Ace and the barmaid arguing. I walked over to see what was going on.

We don't accept casino chips, you need to pay for the drinks with money, she wasn't too pleased.

But it's cool, it's cool. They know me here, they know me here, he repeated as he was pushing chips across the bar. After I explained to him that he was in a different building now and he needed to pay with actual money I asked the barmaid for two bottles of water which he paid for with real cash despite continually protesting that they knew him there.

I got back on the dance floor and was experiencing without doubt the best part of the night. I was thoroughly enjoying myself as nice girl was grinding her bottom into my crotch. I was drunk and happy and game on. Then I felt the tap on my shoulder.

Your mate's outside and he keeps trying to get back in, if he doesn't leave now the police are getting called. The doorman's words felt like a punch in the stomach.

I went out and he was telling another doorman that they knew him in there and that he was cool. I asked the doorman if there was any chance that they'd let him back in. I don't even know why I bothered, it was obvious he'd well and truly been bounced.

Can you tell your mate to move, he's blocking the door. The doorman was only young and a bit intimated. I tried explaining to Ace repeatedly that he had been kicked out. They didn't know him and the current situation was not cool in the slightest. In the end I just turned round, walked away and said in a stern voice (much in the same way you'd call a dog)

Ace, move...now!

He followed and I looked at the doorman. He nodded and thanked me. I'd made his evening easier. Unfortunately I wasn't awarded the same luxury. We got about ten paces and Ace fell like a sack of the proverbial. Picking him up wasn't too much of a problem at first, then my back decided it didn't want to play and I was left in much pain. Still I had to get him back to mine and no taxi on Earth was going to take us. It was a prolonged agonizing struggle punctuated with bouts of drunken babbling but we made it. Problem over, get in, go to bed and sleep.

I dumped Ace onto the sofa and soon after he began being sick, I swore and went to get some tissues to clean him up. Putting him in the recovery position wasn't too much fun with my now damaged back but I managed it. I got a pint of water for him and left it nearby. I waited a bit to see if he was OK, there was no more vomiting so I went to bed. Sore, angry and still thinking about the girl in the club.

I woke up that next morning with a thumping head and a battered back. At least Ace will be suffering. Clearly he could not handle alcohol and my only consolation was that his hangover would be a nasty one. It might be one of those two day ones I had when I used to get paralytic as a teenager.

I hobbled in to the living room to have a gloat.

Rog, are you awake now, good. I need my car keys. I've got an appointment over in town for a tattoo.

Oh, right...do you feel ill at all?

No, mouths a bit dry, look Rog I need to go, my appointment is soon.

You do realise that your where in a mess last night, I had to put you in the recovery position because you where puking. I did my back in carrying you home and stopped you from getting arrested.

Oh right, is that why there were carrier bags spread on the floor and a pint of water next to me?

Yeah

Oh right. Look have you got my keys I need to go.

No 'thanks Rog' or anything then?

Yeah thanks.

I gave him his keys and he left. As I heard the lyrics 'when two tribes go to war' fade as he drove off I realised that he'd said the word 'thanks' but only as way to get his keys so he could get to his appointment quicker.

Not cool.
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Roger Porter
Abnormal99
One Pair


Joined: 28 Mar 2016
Posts: 30

PostPosted: Fri Jul 22, 2016 1:47 pm
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Wow.. You and your friends are a little bit creasy. I mean it in the best sense of the word "creasy")
Roger Porter
Straight


Joined: 09 May 2010
Posts: 313
Location: secret

PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2017 5:39 pm
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Abnormal99 wrote:
Wow.. You and your friends are a little bit creasy. I mean it in the best sense of the word "creasy")


Well Ace liked to think he was some type of smooth criminal so I think he'd be slightly miffed if he knew someone had suggested that he possessed any trace of creasyness .

As for myself I am fairly dishevelled although I do keep some fairly interesting things hidden in my folds.

Smile


xxx
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Roger Porter
The Reverend
In Rhythm


Joined: 27 Aug 2004
Posts: 6193
Location: In Rhythm

PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2017 5:40 am
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Cool story bro

I was having a quiet pint with the wife you see...
This chap comes in like a lunatic

It was the freshest move I've ever seen
I've never seen anything like it in my life

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Roger Porter
Straight


Joined: 09 May 2010
Posts: 313
Location: secret

PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2017 9:15 am
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The Reverend wrote:
Cool story bro


Fair play. That's probably the best (first?) use of that I've seen in a long time. It works on three different levels for me. Have a lollipop Smile

The Reverend wrote:
I was having a quiet pint with the wife you see...
This chap comes in like a lunatic

It was the freshest move I've ever seen
I've never seen anything like it in my life


Not going to lie, I had to ask Jeeves what that meant. By watching the music video it's obvious you know what Ace looked like. You should have approached him that time you saw him in the Vic. He most probably would have pretended to like you.

Your loss tbh.
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Roger Porter
The Reverend
In Rhythm


Joined: 27 Aug 2004
Posts: 6193
Location: In Rhythm

PostPosted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 12:24 pm
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Ask Jeeves. Seriously?
Roger Porter
Straight


Joined: 09 May 2010
Posts: 313
Location: secret

PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2017 1:27 am
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Well I had to ask Jeeves because he knows how to operate the computational device I am using to communicate these messages to you.

Do you not ask your butler to help you with troublesome tasks?
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Roger Porter
PokerZ
High Card


Joined: 03 Aug 2017
Posts: 8

PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2017 5:17 am
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great story, pal
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